For Better or For Worse
A married couple is sitting in front of the television…
Husband: Are you going to tell me why you’re making such a long face ever since I’ve come home?
Wife: You want to know! Because it’s our 20th wedding anniversary and we’re sitting here like two asses in front of the TV!
Husband: Oh my God! I’ve been so busy at work that I completely forgot about it! I’m so sorry darling….put on your prettiest dress, and I’ll take you out on the town!
Wife: Oh Billy, I knew you couldn’t be such an awful, forgetful husband!
Sometime later at the best restaurant in town…
The Maître d’: Good evening Mr. Grant. (The Maître d’ clicks his finger to one of the waiters.) Prepare a table for Mr. Grant!
Wife: They seem to know you here.
Husband: Oh…I’ve probably had lunch here one or two times with some clients.
Dinner over, the couple leaves the restaurant and Billy suggest taking his wife dancing. At the entrance of the nightclub there’s a long line of people waiting to go in. Billy tells his wife not to worry as they go directly to the doorman.
Husband: Hey Joe, how’s it going?
Doorman: Pretty good Billy, go right on in!
Inside the club the owner comes up to Billy…
Owner: Good evening Mr. Grant. (He also clicks his finger to one of his employees.) Clear a table for Mr. Grant!
Billy’s wife looks at her husband…
Wife: Do you come here often?
Husband: Uh, no…the owner is a client of mine…
Seated at their table a pretty young cocktail waitress arrives…
Waitress: Should I bring you the usual Billy?
At that moment one of the dancers on stage takes off her panties and cries out to the audience…
Dancer: And who are the panties for?
The whole room shouts: They’re for Billy!!!
At this point the wife becomes enraged! She screams at him as Billy escorts her out of the club and into a taxis. The argument continues…
Husband: Darling! Don’t ruin this beautiful evening!
Wife: What do you take me for, an idiot?! You’re an ass! Don’t touch me!
The taxis driver turns around and looks at Billy…
Taxis Driver: Hey Mr. Grant, it’s been 20 years that I’ve known you. I’ve driven you with all kinds of women, some nice ones, some not so nice, hundreds of them, but none of them have been a pain in the ass like this one!
A Trip To The Doctor
75 year-old Tom goes to see his doctor for a thorough checkup. At the end of the exam the doctor hands him a little bottle with a cap and tells him to take it home and bring back a sperm sample for testing.
The next day, Tom goes back to the doctor and hands him the empty bottle. The doctor looks at him and asks, “Why? What happened?”
Tom says, “Well doctor, I tried with my right hand without success. Then with my left hand, that didn’t help. So I asked my wife to help me, she tried with her right hand and then her left, but that didn’t work. So then she tried with her mouth, with her teeth, then without her teeth….still nothing! So we asked the young neighbor next door and she tried with her right hand and her left, and then with her mouth…”
The doctor shocked, interrupts Tom and says, “You even asked your young neighbor to help you!”
“Ah, yes doctor,” Tom replied, “you see we tried everything and no one could get this damn cap off the bottle!”
Weak Link Test
Just a little test to see where you are intellectually. There are four simple questions to answer. Do not think about the answers; just answer as quickly as possible with your first instincts.
You’re in a race, you pass the second runner, in what position do you place?
Again you’re in a race, you pass the last runner, in what position do you place?
Do this in your head. Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. Again add 1000. Plus 20. Plus another 1000. Plus 10. What is the total?
Marcy’s father has five daughters:
What is the name of the 5th?
Question one: If you answered first, you’re wrong. The answer is second. You passed the second runner, so you took his place, therefore, you came in second. (If you answered correctly…good for you!)
Question two: If you answered next to the last, you’re wrong again! Think about it, the question is impossible to answer, you can’t be behind the last runner, because he wouldn’t be the last runner, you would. (If you got this one right…you’re no fun!)
Question three: If you answered 5000, sorry this is not your day! The answer is 4100. Now you can write the numbers down and add them up or use a calculator to see the correct answer if you don’t believe me. (If you answered correctly…are you sure you didn’t take this test already? Hmm!)
Question four: If you answered Chuchu, you are a weak link! The answer is Marcy. Reread the question. (If you answered correctly, what are you doing here wasting your time reading my blog when you could put your intellect to better use!)
This Little Piggy Will Tell You Everything!
Get a piece of paper and draw a picture of a pig.
DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU HAVE DRAWN YOUR PIG!!!!!!
Do not cheat! It’ll be worth it to draw your pig before proceeding any further, trust me!!!
Are you finished? Okay!
This pig is part of a personality test.
If you drew your pig toward the top of the paper: you’re positive and optimistic.
If you drew your pig in the center: you are a realist.
If you drew the pig toward the bottom of the paper: you’re pessimistic and you tend to be negative.
If your pig is facing to the left: you believe in traditions, you are friendly, and you remember dates easily: birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
If your pig is facing to the right: you are active and an innovator, but you don’t have a strong sense of tradition or family, plus you don’t put much importance on dates.
If your pig is looking at you: you are direct, you like to play devil’s advocate and you’re not afraid to speak your mind.
If your pig has a lot of details: you are analytical, patient, and distrustful at first.
If your pig doesn’t have a lot of details: you are emotional, ingenuous, not methodical, and you take risks.
If your pig doesn’t have four feet: you are insecure or else you are living a period of great change in your life at the moment.
If your pig has four feet: you are sure, obstinate, and you hold on to your ideas.
If your pig has more than four feet: you are an idiot!
The size of the ears indicate your capacity to listen to others. The bigger they are, the better you listen.
The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sexual relations. Again, the bigger or longer the tail, the better!
Maya Muses: Okay, who forgot to draw the tail??? And nope,….you can’t retake the test!!!
Photo Credits: Flickr