The first thing that AAA asked me was if I was in a safe location.  I told them that I was, but that my car was stuck in the mud and I needed a tow truck to pull me out.  Their response was, it’ll take 90 minutes to get a truck out to me!  They also told me to call them back in case I no longer need their service, which got me to thinking…. Do they tell you 90 minutes because they don’t want to come and help you?  Or do they tell you 90 minutes because they know that more than likely some good Samaritan will assist you and they won’t need to come out?  Is that why the first question they ask is if you are in a safe location?  If you answer yes, then they let you find a solution to your own problem.  If you answer no, I would hope that they would then send someone out immediately to assist you.

A good thing that my brother Bob, who was visiting, happened to be in the car with me, but poor Bob!  I won’t tell you what it did to his good shoes and his nice white pants!!! When he got out of the car, to assess the situation his shoes sunk into a couple of inches of mud!  Rather than wait for AAA, I called Patrick to come by and get us out, but even before he arrived, a good Samaritan did pull us out.

I called AAA back and cancel the tow truck, but I had a strong intuitive feeling that they were just waiting for my call and weren’t planning on coming out unless they absolutely had to.  Have other AAA members had the same experience that I’ve had?  And if so, then do we really need to pay an annual fee to get nothing more than a few free road maps?!  

Maya Muses:  Talk about intuition and creating my own reality, for days I just knew that I was going to get stuck in the mud!  Which brings me to the same question I’ve asked myself before, do we create our own reality, or are there things that are just destined to happen? 

Photo Credits:  Flickr and Personal Photo

Okay, so maybe they don’t fly across the ocean….that in itself is a scary thought (!), but I wouldn’t want to be caught without a life jacket over the Great Lakes either, which they do fly over.

What worries me is the airline industry more than any other is like a bunch of sheep.  When one company does something, you can bet your bottom dollar that all the other companies will follow suit!  Which leads me to the scary question, what next?! 

If they can remove the lifejackets now, then by next year they’ll take out the windows and probably do away with the seats and it’ll be standing room only with straps hanging down to keep people from jostling into one another!

Maya Muses:  I can see it now!  Sort of like a cattle car in the air!  Better start practicing your “Moo-o-o-s!!!

Photo Credit:  Flickr

For Better or For Worse

A married couple is sitting in front of the television…

Husband: Are you going to tell me why you’re making such a long face ever since I’ve come home?
Wife:  You want to know!  Because it’s our 20th wedding anniversary and we’re sitting here like two asses in front of the TV!
Husband: Oh my God!  I’ve been so busy at work that I completely forgot about it!  I’m so sorry darling….put on your prettiest dress, and I’ll take you out on the town!
Wife:  Oh Billy, I knew you couldn’t be such an awful, forgetful husband!

Sometime later at the best restaurant in town… 

The Maître d’:  Good evening Mr. Grant.  (The Maître d’ clicks his finger to one of the waiters.)  Prepare a table for Mr. Grant!
Wife:  They seem to know you here.
Husband:  Oh…I’ve probably had lunch here one or two times with some clients.

Dinner over, the couple leaves the restaurant and Billy suggest taking his wife dancing.  At the entrance of the nightclub there’s a long line of people waiting to go in.  Billy tells his wife not to worry as they go directly to the doorman.

Husband:  Hey Joe, how’s it going?
Doorman:  Pretty good Billy, go right on in!

Inside the club the owner comes up to Billy…

Owner:  Good evening Mr. Grant.  (He also clicks his finger to one of his employees.)  Clear a table for Mr. Grant!

Billy’s wife looks at her husband…

Wife:  Do you come here often?
Husband:  Uh, no…the owner is a client of mine…

Seated at their table a pretty young cocktail waitress arrives…

Waitress:  Should I bring you the usual Billy?

At that moment one of the dancers on stage takes off her panties and cries out to the audience…

Dancer: And who are the panties for?
The whole room shouts: They’re for Billy!!!

At this point the wife becomes enraged!  She screams at him as Billy escorts her out of the club and into a taxis.  The argument continues…

Husband:  Darling!  Don’t ruin this beautiful evening!
Wife:  What do you take me for, an idiot?!  You’re an ass!  Don’t touch me!

The taxis driver turns around and looks at Billy…

Taxis Driver:  Hey Mr. Grant, it’s been 20 years that I’ve known you.  I’ve driven you with all kinds of women, some nice ones, some not so nice, hundreds of them, but none of them have been a pain in the ass like this one!

A Trip To The Doctor

75 year-old Tom goes to see his doctor for a thorough checkup.  At the end of the exam the doctor hands him a little bottle with a cap and tells him to take it home and bring back a sperm sample for testing.

The next day, Tom goes back to the doctor and hands him the empty bottle.  The doctor looks at him and asks, “Why?  What happened?”

Tom says, “Well doctor, I tried with my right hand without success.  Then with my left hand, that didn’t help.  So I asked my wife to help me, she tried with her right hand and then her left, but that didn’t work.  So then she tried with her mouth, with her teeth, then without her teeth….still nothing!  So we asked the young neighbor next door and she tried with her right hand and her left, and then with her mouth…”

The doctor shocked, interrupts Tom and says, “You even asked your young neighbor to help you!”

“Ah, yes doctor,” Tom replied, “you see we tried everything and no one could get this damn cap off the bottle!”

Weak Link Test

Just a little test to see where you are intellectually.  There are four simple questions to answer.  Do not think about the answers; just answer as quickly as possible with your first instincts.

First question:                                                                                                                         

You’re in a race, you pass the second runner, in what position do you place?

Second question:                                                                                                                      

Again you’re in a race, you pass the last runner, in what position do you place?

Third question:                                                                                                                             

Do this in your head.  Take 1000.  Add 40.  Add another 1000.  Add 30.  Again add 1000.  Plus 20.  Plus another 1000.  Plus 10.  What is the total?

Fourth question:                                                                                                                    

Marcy’s father has five daughters:                                                                                                

1.  Chacha
2.  Cheche
3.  Chichi
4.  Chocho
5.  ??????

What is the name of the 5th?
 
Answers:

Question one:  If you answered first, you’re wrong.  The answer is second.  You passed the second runner, so you took his place, therefore, you came in second.  (If you answered correctly…good for you!)

Question two:  If you answered next to the last, you’re wrong again!  Think about it, the question is impossible to answer, you can’t be behind the last runner, because he wouldn’t be the last runner, you would.  (If you got this one right…you’re no fun!)

Question three:  If you answered 5000, sorry this is not your day!  The answer is 4100.  Now you can write the numbers down and add them up or use a calculator to see the correct answer if you don’t believe me.  (If you answered correctly…are you sure you didn’t take this test already?  Hmm!)

Question four:  If you answered Chuchu, you are a weak link!  The answer is Marcy. Reread the question.  (If you answered correctly, what are you doing here wasting your time reading my blog when you could put your intellect to better use!) 

 
This Little Piggy Will Tell You Everything!

Get a piece of paper and draw a picture of a pig.

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU HAVE DRAWN YOUR PIG!!!!!!

Do not cheat!  It’ll be worth it to draw your pig before proceeding any further, trust me!!!

Are you finished?  Okay!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This pig is part of a personality test.

If you drew your pig toward the top of the paper: you’re positive and optimistic.

If you drew your pig in the center:  you are a realist.

If you drew the pig toward the bottom of the paper:  you’re pessimistic and you tend to be negative.

If your pig is facing to the left:  you believe in traditions, you are friendly, and you remember dates easily: birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

If your pig is facing to the right:  you are active and an innovator, but you don’t have a strong sense of tradition or family, plus you don’t put much importance on dates.

If your pig is looking at you:  you are direct, you like to play devil’s advocate and you’re not afraid to speak your mind.

If your pig has a lot of details:  you are analytical, patient, and distrustful at first.

If your pig doesn’t have a lot of details:  you are emotional, ingenuous, not methodical, and you take risks.

If your pig doesn’t have four feet: you are insecure or else you are living a period of great change in your life at the moment.

If your pig has four feet:  you are sure, obstinate, and you hold on to your ideas. 

If your pig has more than four feet:  you are an idiot!

The size of the ears indicate your capacity to listen to others.  The bigger they are, the better you listen.

The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sexual relations.  Again, the bigger or longer the tail, the better!

Maya Muses:  Okay, who forgot to draw the tail???  And nope,….you can’t retake the test!!!

Photo Credits:  Flickr

(Maya Muses:  We’re all praying for his safe return at the end of the year, but for now, it’s good to have him home!

Photo Credits:  Flickr

Michael Phelps should go out in glory and be remembered at the top of his game!  More than likely he himself will not be able to accomplish what he did this year when he competes in the Olympic Games in London in 2012.  Michael has already said he will compete again in four years.  I think he wants to assure his medal record, much like Lance Armstrong in the Tour de France.  A mistake if you ask me.  I’m sure he feels he may be able to repeat what he did in the Beijing Games, but I’m not so sure! 

Maya Muses:  Even if Michael Phelps wins 3, 4, or 5 gold medals in 2012, it will be a let down to what he has accomplished here.  If you ask me, I say go out while you’re on the top!  (Or will he prove me wrong and I’ll have to eat my words?)

Photo Credit:  Flickr

With all that said, here goes!

1. Tinkerbell will be the head of Homeland Security.  Having a Chihuaha guard the border between Mexico and the U.S. comes in handy because he knows the culture and the language!  (Ay Chihuahua!!!)
2. Nicole Ritchie will be her Vice-President and everyone knows that the Vice-President doesn’t have anything to do which is a perfect job for Nicole.
3.  Paris is a fashionista and she’ll look just as chic standing next to Carla Bruni, the First Lady of France.
4.  Paris will pass a law making it a four day work-week so there will be more time for everyone to party!  (Yes!)
5. Paris will end the wars and bring the troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan so there will be more young guys to flirt with.
6. Paris will make her mother Secretary of State, afterall what socialite doesn’t know fake diplomacy.
7. Her sister Nicky will head the Department of Education and teach kids how to start their own fashion line and she’ll make all new school buses be manufactured by Mercedes Benz and BMW. 
8. Air Force One will be put to good use taking Paris and her entourage jetsetting to all the hot spots around the world.
9. The controversy surrounding our motto In God We Trust on our currency will end.  Paris will make all future currency read, That’s Hot.  
10. Paris will make everyone’s Health Care Plan include getting facials, massages, manicures, pedicures and hair coloring!  (What more could anyone ask for?!)

Maya Muses:  I said, “Noprah to Oprah” and “No to Obama - No to McCain” so I’ll ask, do we dare have Paris Hilton as President!?  Only in Mayaland or a parallel universe!!!

Photo Credit:  Flickr

Barack Obama scares me, not because, as he says, he doesn’t look like any of the presidents on the dollar bills, but more because he is such an excellent speaker, telling people what they want to hear,… but, the important question should be, is there any substance there?  I for one have not forgotten that his former mentor and pasteur preaches racism and hatred against the white man.  Obama listened to this man preach for twenty years, considered this man his mentor, dedicated his book to this man, had his children baptised by him and then comes out with the lame excuse that he doesn’t agree with his ideas and we’re suppose to believe him!  The scary part is, many people do believe him!!!   

McCain on the other hand is saying it like it is and what we’re hearing is not what we want to hear, and that’s the problem!  No we do not want four more years of Bushism and unfortunately that is what McCain is offering.  McCain’s conservative views on abortion is another issue that bothers me.  Just because a law will state that abortion is illegal doesn’t mean that women will not seek to have one.  Quite the contrary, wealthy women will just buy an airplane ticket and go to London or Paris and have an abortion, while poor women will resort to finding a quack in a back alley to perform the abortion for her!  Wake up McCain, this is a woman’s choice!

So where does that leave many of us?  I’m not sure!  If Gore would run, he would have a chance, if Bill Richardson would reenter the race as an independent, with all his experience, he would have a chance, if Ralph Nadar would run again, he would be surprised by how many would vote for him this time.  Hell, if Clint Eastwood would run, he would have a chance!

Maya Muses:  Yes, even Paris Hilton will pickup some write-in votes just so voters can show how much they dislike the two presidential candidates that we have!

Photo Credits:  Flickr

How do I know?  Simple!  Just look at the gold-metal gymnastic team from China!  The rules in the Olympics specify that no one under the age of 16 can be a participant in gymnastics, and the Chinese say they can prove by the girls’ passports that each one of them is at least 16 years of age.  Now tell me, who doesn’t believe the Chinese, afterall, a passport is an official document….is it not?  Ahem!

Now if you look at these girls and you say to yourself, Wow, she’s 16!  Okay, show me where that Fountain of Youth is!!!  I want to drink from the fountain as well! 

Maya Muses:  Or else there’s a bunch of Dorian Gray-ish type of portraits stored away in some attic somewhere in China!  Okay,…. I’m game!  Then take me to the artist! 

Afterall, who doesn’t put beauty over talent?  I don’t see many record producers pursuing ugly girls who have fantastic voices to sign on to their record labels.  (Yet, they’ll pursue a beautiful girl who has an average voice to sign on.)  I don’t see any ugly models on the runway of Paris or Milan; or on the cover of Vogue or Elle Magazine.  I don’t see any ugly children in advertisement catalogs.  I have yet to see a contestant from any country who is smart, talented, friendly, and ugly compete in the Miss Universe contest; or be a Victoria’s Secret model, or have their own perfume label. 

The Chinese have done no different when they chose all the girls that were in the opening ceremonies.  Every single one, from the girls carrying the signs for each country in the Parade of Nations, to the girls acting as cheerleaders down on the field, to every girl that performed during the opening; every single one was a vision of loveliness, but the same could be said for the Dallas Cheerleaders. 

If we go by what we saw during the Olympic ceremonies, we would think there isn’t a single woman in China who is ugly, but as in any country there are beautiful women and women not so beautiful.  Yes I would have perferred to have seen cute little Yang Peiyi with her little round face and her crooked teeth singing like an angel, but I can also see why they chose to put Lin Miaoke in front of the camera instead. 

The Chinese very well could have avoided this whole issue if they didn’t want to use Yang Peiyi.  They could have found a child who was not only beautiful, but one who could also sing.  (I’m sure there’s plenty of them in a nation of over a billion people!)  Then they wouldn’t find themselves in this uproar where so many nations feel that they’ve been duped! 

Maya Muses:  Give me a break!  Everyone is shallow up to an extent and every nation is guilty of the same thing.  Studies have been done showing that even infant babies are drawn to beautiful people and pay less attention to those who aren’t.  It is part of the human composition that many will not openly admit to.

Photo Credits: Google Images

I made a fist and stuck up my first two fingers bent like the tentacles of a snail and slowly moved my hand.  “They’re snails, you know those little animals that have a shell and move really slow.  Try it and see if you like it.” I told her.

She poked around and then touched it with the tip of her finger; she watched as Patrick and I were savouring ours.  She took a tiny little piece and put it in her mouth.  Hmm, not bad! was her expression.  She took another little piece and ate that.  Then she popped the whole thing in her mouth!  She was off and running!

So, eight and a half years later, what else would we order for her on her first day in Paris?  Escargots, of course!  This time she had the same expression on her face when they set down the cutlery apparatus used to take the snail out of its shell, (la pince à escargots). ”What’s this?” she asked.

If you’ve ever seen Pretty Woman (and who hasn’t!) you’ll remember the scene where Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are eating escargots in a fancy restaurant and Julia’s snail goes flying through the air.  Well, after watching Patrick and I eat our escargots for a few minutes, Katia decided to have a go at it and did a Julia Roberts!  It was so funny!  And the look on her face was priceless!

Maya Muses:  The diners at the next table thought it was amusing, as well, as Katia’s escargot went airborne!

Photo Credits: Flickr and Personal Photo